The Kama Sutra is perhaps one of the most misunderstood books in history. Despite its legendary reputation as the original Bible of Fuck it is actually rather quaint. Most people who have never read the Kama Sutra imagine it to be some kind of holy lovers’ guide to limitless perversion. Those who have read it tend to talk nonsense about six hour orgasms. Middle-aged schoolteachers like Sting have done the Kama Sutra few favours.
Official guesstimates date the Kama Sutra somewhere between 320-540 years AD. Yet experts believe it could have been based on ancient Hindu teachings handed down over thousands of years. It was written by Vatsyayna Mallanaga and intended as a blueprint for the happy and well-balanced existence between men and women. Only about 20 per cent of the book concerns itself with the actual science of sex. The bulk of Vatsyanyna’s work details the need for human beings to live their material lives in harmony with their sensual and carnal desires. Only by admitting to these desires and acting upon them in a responsible way can mankind find bliss. Making love is basically described as a Slow Art and a way to elevate all the senses. The Kama Sutra is the original self-help book.
It is also surprisingly liberal. Although there is advice for men on how to buy a wife, take a mistress and enjoy a harem, there is also advice for young women on how to take secret lovers and arrange the perfect husband. There are also tips for high class “public women” (prostitutes) on how to satisfy customers, how to attract a sugar daddy and how to ditch both when the money runs out.
The Kama Sutra was discovered by a British colonial explorer called Sir Richard F. Burton in 1842. He was given a copy after an expedition to a Bombay brothel and immediately became fascinated and obsessed with ancient Hindu erotica. He had the book carefully translated from Sanskrit into English by a team of scholars and in 1876 published 250 copies to be sold privately to Victorian society. Burton risked prosecution and imprisonment for his pains and the Kama Sutra remained an “obscene publication” until 1963.
Vatsyayna Mallanaga believed that there were eight basic ways to make love. There were another eight variations within each of these and so the Kama Sutra teaches us that it is possible to fuck in 64 different positions. Just 3 of these are outlined below.
1: The Total Hug
Right. Enough lying around in a boudoir playing loved-up liberals. This is the goddamn Kama Sutra. It is supposed to be difficult. It is supposed to be a challenge and so it’s about time you made an effort. What on earth would be the point of the world’s most legendary sex manual if all positions were as easy as the Face To Face? The Total Hug requires both partners to undress and stand facing each other naked. The woman then places her hands around the man’s neck and essentially pulls herself up onto his dick. The man supports his partner with his hands under her buttocks. The man must not fall over. The Total Hug is a full contact position and requires fitness, strength and agility. You can cheat if you want and sit down. This is called the Hammock.
2: The Mill Vanes
This position is not the easiest to explain. That’s ok, however, because it will make you feel oriental and adventurous. Basically it is a back-to-front position. The woman lies down and looks worried. The man then lowers himself into her but with his face and legs pointing in the wrong direction. It is not a deep penetration position and the best results are achieved with a slow circular motion. It is the natural progression from the 69 in that it simply involves the man wriggling forward about 3 feet. Have a shower, guys, as everybody will be able to see your arsehole.
3: The Mold
The Mold is less complicated and as a result a great deal more enjoyable. Some stuff out there can sometimes take so long to explain that the point becomes tedious. The Mold is the technical term for what everybody simply calls Spoons and it’s a great, languid, huggy kind of position. It’s also great for anal sex. It’s great because both partners get to lie down and this is rare in the Kama Sutra. The Mold is highly intimate and sensual. It can be a complete contact position depending on the speed of lovemaking as well as one of the deepest. It’s an early morning position too as it’s a natural sleeping body arrangement. Never underestimate the easy things in life.
CHRIS WATTS
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